On Politics:

The problem with being Democrat is that if you vote for Obama, you’re sexist. And if you vote for Hilary, you’re racist. Its easy being a Republican. No matter what you’re retarded.

When Adlai Stevenson was running for president, one of his supporters gushed; “Sir, every thinking person in America will be voting for you!” Stevenson replied; “Thank you, ma’am, but it won’t be enough. We need a majority.”

Don’t write anything you can phone. Don’t phone anything you can talk. Don’t talk anything you can whisper. Don’t whisper anything you can smile. Don’t smile anything you can nod. Don’t nod anything you can wink. — Earl Long