10 Things You Need To Know About Michael Phelps

By now I’ll bet you’re thinking there isn’t the slightest factoid that you haven’t heard Bob Costas, Rowdy Gaines, Matt Lauer or Brian Williams tell you at least several hundred times about Michael Phelps.

Well, you’re wrong. Here are just a few fascinating, 100% TRUE facts about The Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived, Michael Phelps:

1. Michael Phelps can talk to bison. In fact, his name in Lakota Sioux is “Swims Like A Fish, Talks Like A Bison”
2. Angelina Jolie has agreed to bear 14 children for Michael Phelps (one for each gold medal) to begin breeding a race of super-strong, pouty-lipped uberhumans. Unlike Brad Pitt, Phelps will actually get to have sex with Angie.
3. Michael Phelps single-handedly saved the entire winter wheat crop in Canada in 1925, 60 years before he was even born! A life-sized statue of Phelps made entirely of wheat chaff stands proudly in the center of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to commemorate the event. The statue was erected in 1929, so for years the locals in Saskatoon had no idea who or what the statue was about and just assumed it was some hockey player who had gone east to make his fortune. Only after the 2004 Athens Olympics did anyone in Saskatoon know why they had the statue.
4. The United States Coast Guard has replaced all of its lighthouse fog horns with amplified recordings of the yell Michael Phelps let loose after the U.S. team won the 4x100m IM relay. Oceanologists report that the electric eel population in the Atlantic Ocean seems to be increasing since the new recordings began sounding.
5. The only endorsement deal Michael Phelps has signed so far is with Playtex Natural-Shaped Applicator Tampons. He refuses to comment or to sign other deals.
6. Every athlete living in the Beijing Olympic Village has received a six-pack of Hawaiian Punch and a package of Dolly Madison Zingers courtesy of Michael Phelps.
7. Michael Phelps’ body does not actually exist in the same time-space continuum as the rest of us. He is really seven minutes and twenty-two seconds in the future and approximately nineteen feet southwest of where he appears to be.
8. Michael Phelps rejected an offer from the super-secret government agency that is responsible for all the superheroes in the United States, and reportedly even said no when they offered to throw in a no-strings-attached one-nighter with Jessica Simpson (who is also known as “ElectroGirl”). When the Chinese government learned about this from their own secret agent planted deep inside the U.S. government (recently revealed to be Senator John McCain), they countered the offer with a lifetime supply of cheaply-made plastic kitchen utensils and a pair of Ralph Lauren loafer knock-offs. No word what Phelps’ response was to that counter-offer.
9. When Michael Phelps sings, windows as far as 75 miles away begin to ring with the resonant harmony. One woman in Englewood, CO claims that her dog can also hear it and begins to sing along.
10. Baskin-Robbins has announced that they will change all 31 flavors of their ice cream to the new “Michael Phelps” flavor. It tastes like a mixture of chlorine, Gatorade, and awesome.

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