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Okay, some of these stories are not new, and I suspect some of them aren't even true, but this page has a pretty good collection of stories about the idiotic things people are capable of. I especially enjoyed the first one.
Strangly, there are no mentions of the TSA anywhere on that page. Maybe whoever put up that page is afraid of being blacklisted.
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You read it here first, ladies and gentlemen -- Harry Potter dies in a good-vs-evil struggle with Voldemort while standing in line to buy an iPhone! Harry scores a Pyrrhic victory by killing Voldemort just as he reaches the head of the line and he gets the last 80GB iPhone in the Apple Store, only to perish of his wounds while waiting for a Google Map back to Hogwarts to download over his AT&T EDGE Internet connection. Ron and Hermione try to summon help, but neither of them can figure out how to use the goddamn phone interface to call an ambulance.
Meanwhile, in a subterranean lair somewhere near Cupertino, California, a greying visage leers with a mixture of satisfaction and mild ennui.
There! I just saved you all that time reading the damn thing.
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Today is the 38th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. I was not quite Charlotte's age in July of 1969, but I remember watching as much of this as my parents would let me, hunkered down in their bedroom in front of the little television they had in there.
Funny, I don't remember it happening like this (YouTube, lots of profanity), but I was pretty little at the time.
Relatedly, this story talks about a recent meeting-of-minds among various engineering and science teams who are contributing to the early phases of designing a manned mission to Mars. It's the first time anyone hs gotten them together to talk about the difficulties in designing the landing system that will be required. Mars presents some challenges that previous space programs haven't had to deal with -- primarily, landing a very heavy orbiter in a very thin atmosphere and getting everybody inside the craft safely on the surface. The fact that 60% of all unmanned missions to Mars have failed to land successfully isn't terribly encouraging, but they've got some interesting ideas.
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Awww, you guys always spoil all the fun.
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Steve Crandall, who writes one of the "smart" blogs I read regularly called "tingilinde", posted a factoid I had never heard before: polar bears can count to five...but that's it. Polar bears are known to attack groups of hunters, but only if there are five or fewer in the group. More than that, and they will run away. It's a well-known fact...at least among the locals in the Arctic areas where people and polar bears co-exist.
Here's a close-up of a polar bear's paw, which has five toes. Eventually those bears are going to figure out how to use more than one paw to count.
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I can guess what Bonny Prince Charlie is thinking, but can somebody tell me when Madonna joined the RAF?
A staple of humor magazines everywhere has always been the weddings and engagements postings in local newspapers. In fact, I think Jay Leno does this bit at least once a month on "The Tonight Show". Here are some recent examples from a blog usually devoted to Linux. (thanks to a Mutual Friend of Torrez)
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Today's word is pareidolia
If, like the Snickers ad says, you're not going anywhere for a while, maybe you might like to try some of these guaranteed time wasters that you can do by yourself, with a friend, or with whatever you might happen to have on your person.
Or not.
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Try to say that five times fast, I dare ya!
Let's play "Spot The Moron!" Can you spot the moron?
Studio audience...shhhhh...don't give away the answer!
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Crotchy is a warm and cozy....er, crotch-thing with long skinny legs, a puffy crotch panel and...ahem...a pink button anus! Plus, check out that awesome tattoo!
I'm not exactly sure what you're supposed to do with Crotchy, but I'm sure you'll figure out something...
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"And this part is called the thagomizer, after the late Thag Simmons" -- Gary Larson, 1982
And who says paloentologists don't have a sense of humor? Discover Magazine reminds us that the spiked tail-end of a stegosaurus REALLY IS called a "Thagomizer", in honor of this classic Far Side cartoon.
In fact, here's a message board post that dates back to 1995 citing the use of "thagomizer" in the legitimate academic literature, and you can find it mentioned in other glossaries of paleontology terms
You'll remember the amusing video of Medieval Tech Support, well here's a McSweeney's piece that imagines how it might go in the not-so-distant future.
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Speaking of limited perimeters...I think I need to get out a bit more myself.
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Might want to consider a new name for that shop, fella.
Just because every village HAS an idiot doesn't mean every village NEEDS an idiot -- overheard online
Something to keep in mind as the leaders of the G8 group of industrialized nations are meeting this week in Germany.
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I have to admit, I wasn't really sure about a couple of these: "Is it a Star Wars character, baseball player, or Thai Food?"
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Check out this Snopes article: a car wash owner in Maryland was losing money from his change machine and suspected his employees of stealing, so he set up a camera to catch them in the act. Imagine his surprise to discover that it was a gang of starlings!
The Snopes article clears up a few mis-reported elements of the story and has a few more pictures of the starlings in action.
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Yesterday, Apple's Steve Jobs and Microsoft's Bill Gates finally got together on stage at the D-2007 trade show to reminisce about the good old days. The computer press had been anticipating this for weeks because it has been a decade since the last time Gates and Jobs appeared together in person.
I realize I am probably not the first guy to notice this, but I just thought I'd point out that Bill and Steve bear an eerie resemblance to Barry and Eliot Tatelman. Now that Barry has left the family business, maybe Eliot could moonlight as Jobs' double for publicity appearances. Heaven knows he's not shy.
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I'm a little late to the party blogging this, but you've got to watch this recent "New Rules" segment from Bill Maher's program where he lays down the law about France-bashing.
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No, not for Jesus, silly. I told you yesterday, he's already come back as a shark.
I mean VELOCIRAPTORS. September is the height of velociraptor season, so this is the time to be preparing for them. Because you never know if your neighbor just might be a velociraptor.
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Can YOU spot the moron in this picture?
Not sure? How about if I told you that the woman holding that sign is protesting because her child is not being allowed to participate in graduation ceremonies because he failed to pass a skills assessment test required by the state of Texas for graduation? NOW can you spot the moron?
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Only in Dubai, I guess...construction continues apace on this new convention center complex.
(That's an actual photograph, BTW, not a "artist's concept drawing")
Do you suppose Dick Cheney will relocate his "undisclosed location" here when it's finished so he can be closer to his Halliburton buddies?
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Yup, that's wood alright.
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There are tons of handy online conversion tables to help you convert English-to-Metric, scientific measurement, and especially cooking measures, but I think this one takes the cake.
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Blogbuddy "Kate" at Cider Press Hill points us to this story, which had me almost in tears from laughing so hard.
It's a good thing he needed it for his hen and not for his...ahem...rooster. THAT would have sent this story in a whole 'nother direction.
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Unless you were living under a rock or otherwise detached from the media universe yesterday, you undoubtedly heard the story about thousands of people in Japan being duped into buying sheep after being told they were poodles.
Well, guess what. It's bullshit. This Japanese blogger carefully dissects the entire story (via) to explain that whoever originally reported the story (apparently the Australian version of MSNBC) misunderstood some remarks made on a talk show made by an actress.
As the blogger explains, she didn't say she HAD a sheep, she said she'd heard a STORY about someone else who had one...in other words, the good old fashioned Urban Legend. The blogger then traces the story itself back to an earlier source -- another Japanese blogger with a post from February of 2006, who also basically tells the same story as a FOAF-style story.
She then points out that the place where the scam is supposed to have occurred is Japan's leading sheep-raising area, making it highly unlikely that people would not recognize sheep there. Also, she notes the total lack of coverage of the story in the Japanese media, indicating that they would be all over this story themselves with their own unique brand of "weird news" coverage had it actually occurred.
You gotta love the Internet -- less than 24 hours from "breaking news" to "urban legend"!
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This handy item, called "flickr-blockrs" (via) is intended to help you maintain your anonymity when being photographed by your friends as you commit wild and unhibited acts of youthful indiscretion, so that when the photos inevitably wind up on the Internet, you have some some degree of plausible deniability.
Members of the Bush Administration have been wearing rose-colored glasses with blinders on the side as part of their uniform of the day since 2003, but with the ever-expanding mass of scandals coming to light, I think they should probably trade those in for a large supply of these puppies.
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Mmm, boy! Crunchy mole crickets in spicy brown curry sauce!
The other day Bridget and I were talking to Charlotte about where food comes from, and we were explaining that beef is really cow, pork is really pig, and so on, and I brought up the fact that in a lot of Asian cuisines, people eat fried crickets. Charlotte didn't completely believe me, I could tell.
Looks like a can of friend crickets in curry sauce is only about $5.00. I might have to order one as an "experiment".
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Though it's probably fairly accurate, I don't think seeing this luggage carousel in an airport would leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy about getting my suitcase.
(not Photoshopped, BTW, this is an actual advertisement in an Italian airport for a local casino)
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The Guardian reports that a Polish fellow dining in a London restaurant ran into the kitchen, grabbed a chef's knife, and cut off his penis in the dining room.
I think 18% would have been totally sufficient, don't you?
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I'm sure you're familiar with the old saw "put a thousand monkeys in a room with a typewriter and eventually come up with Shakespeare." It's basically the working model for hiring screenwriters in Hollywood (which explains how ABC came up with that Geico Caveman show idea)
Aaaaaanyway, it's not working out quite as well as first thought. Some researchers in England got a grant to put a typewriter into a habitat of six macacques at the Devon Zoo for a month and monitor the results. The macacques did seem to like to press the letter "S" more than the others and did eventually type five pages of gibberish (which were immediately overnighted to Paramount), but nothing the remotest bit Shakesperean. They also flung the typewriter around and defecated on the keyboard, demonstrating advanced managerial skills.
The flaw in their experiment design, obviously, was not enough monkeys, but I suppose one must make do with the grant money one has.
There used to be a website called "The Monkey Shakespeare Simulator", but it doesn't exist anymore. As they say in academic circles, "more research is needed."
Oh, and today, by the way, is the traditional day for celebrating the birthday of William Shakespeare himself, even though the date is now considered inaccurate. The day has been credited due to an Elizabethan tradition (now discounted by historians) of baptizing infants three days after birth and documented proof that Shakespeare was baptized on April 26, 1564. It also aligns tidily with the date of his death, which DID occur on April 23, 1616.
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(via FARK, of course)
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Following up a bit on yesterday's post about the difference between food porn and actual fast food, here's a website from a fellow who has made a habit of collecting McDonald's hamburgers and "preserving" them for years. (via Pop Culture Junk Mail)
I used quotations around the word preserve, because all he really does is leave them out in the open air and let them dry up. The preservatives and such involved prevent the burgers from getting moldy, so that eventually they wizen up and look like "apple doll" burgers, if you will.
The oldest one in his collection is the one pictured above, from 1989. That burger is old enough to vote!
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The Department of Homeland Security has announced a new initiative designed to keep each and every American safe and secure.
The FreedomSphere™ Personal Security System will guarantee that all Patriotic Citizens will be protected from virtually any sort of Evil committed by Evildoing Evildoers. All Americans will be required to use the FreedomSphere™ in all public spaces beginning January 21, 2009.
Permalink | Comments (2)Our baby fell out of the window
You'd think that her head would be split
But good luck was with her that morning
She fell in a barrel of....
Shhhhhhaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave everyday and you'll always look keen
(BONUS! Link to free download of the original Benny Bell song)
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YesButNoButYes offers the following quizzie: Sex Toy Or Fishing Lure? Can you tell which is which just from the name? (Safe For Work)
Yesterday's Washington Post reported that functional illiteracy in the District of Columbia hovers around 36%. In other parts of the United States, functional illiteracy among teenagers is estimated to be as high as 50%. (via MetaFilter)
Not Photoshopped. Kroger Supermarkets are actually selling "Old Yeller" brand dog food.
What market are they trying to appeal to? The pet-owners-with-rabid-dogs-who have-to-shoot-them-in-the-head segment? The I-never-saw-the-end-of-that-movie segment? The Mommy-said-Yeller-went-to-live-on-a-puppy-farm segment?
Permalink | Comments (4)Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
And other useful Latin phrases!
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The popular nerdtoy website ThinkGeek has this handy emoticon LED sign for the back of your car window.
Just don't plan on ever driving in Boston again if you buy one.
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Me like pie. Me like pi, too.
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How to piss off a Christian: start asking them questions
(The linked article was written by a minister, by the way)
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But it will buy you this: Bling H20, a new "premium" bottled water that comes in a frosted bottle encrusted with Swarovski crystals. The price: $24.00 per 16 ounce bottle.
Because, you know, it's all about the bling.
(via MetaFilter)
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We need to get a few of these plastered on a few Boston Police squad cars, don't you think?
You can order them here for $3.00 a pop.
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Did anybody else notice the uncanny resemblance when Dick Cheney was visiting Australian PM John Howard last week?
Based on some of the policies of the Howard government, it seems like Dead-Eye Dick really did clone himself.
This English fellow has a severe food phobia. He only eats cheddar cheese -- approximately 225 pounds of it per year (roughly half a pound per day). According to that news article (which I found via Slashfood), he claims to have never eaten anything else without becoming nauseated other than for the occasional bowl of breakfast cereal or a few potato chips.
My brother Timothy, on the other hand, absolutely WILL NOT ingest even the slightest amount of cheese. I used to think Tim was the fussiest adult eater I'd ever known until I read about this guy, but it's obvious to me now that Mr. Nunley is, in fact, The Anti-Tim. It's a good thing they've got the entire Atlantic Ocean in between them, because if they were ever in the same room together, the universe would most assuredly suffer a cataclysmic explosion. And that would be messy, what with all the melted cheese.
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(Here's the link in case you can't get the embed to work)
How do you say "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" in Swedish?
(via YesButNoButYes)
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Indulge your inner 12-year-old and spend a few minutes giggling over these unfortunate domain name choices.
www.speedofart.com....tee-hee
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Click picture for larger pop-up
On the other hand, we may be doomed, but at least we'll look FABULOUS getting there.
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Apple unveiled its new iPhone today! It's so cool that it brought Jimmy Doohan AND DeForest Kelley back from the dead just for this one announcement!
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One of the oldest jokes on the Internet revolves around what would happen if Microsoft made cars.
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If you're like me, you get frustrated flipping around the television dial (which, let's face it, hasn't actually been a dial for a good 30 years now), looking for something to watch. Our cable bill (not including the price of the online service) is $120 a month, so you'd think there would be at least ONE FREAKING PROGRAM you could watch on any given evening, but there isn't.
So, like me, you've probably resorted to looking for things to watch on the Internet. (No, not THAT sort of thing, though there's plenty of it...well, okay, maybe once in a while...ahem)
Search no more, my dear friends, because for the next full year we can while away the hours watching this wheel of honest-to-goodness English Farmhouse Cheddar ripening live via webcam!
It's got to be better than the latest installment of "CSI: Iowa City" or "Law & Order: Animal Control Unit" or "Wife Swappers".
(via FARK)
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Is it me, or does Chevy Chase actually LOOK like Gerald Ford now? He could milk this for a big comeback.
It's thoughtful and gracious of the newsmedia to say such noble and lofty things about Gerald Ford. He does deserve his moment of respect, unquestionably. Nevertheless, it's worth remembering that the parallels between the Ford Administration and the current Bush Administration are a bit too strong -- Ford, a genial but somewhat dullheaded man (sounds familiar), surrounded himself with the likes of Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, and good ol' Poppy Bush himself. The big difference, of course, was that in the wake of Nixon there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of making the same sort of power plays these men would do thirty years later. I also think that Ford had a great deal more personal integrity than the current moron-in-residence and recognized his personal and political limitations.
At least he did no lasting harm -- a legacy his present successor will not be able to claim.
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"Bar, Jim Baker said I needed to tell the little ding-dong to be quiet, but I don't hear anything!"
The residents of Fjuckby, Sweden are just plain sick of having to defend the name of their fair town, so they'd like to change it, please. As this English-language Swedish newspaper story explains, not only is it reminscent of a certain profane word in English, but juck is also the Swedish analog of the same expression, so it is insulting in TWO languages.
(If you're really, really interested, here's the story in Swedish)
As the English-language article jokes at the end, "Residents of Anusviken, Arslet and Dicken may be next in line for a swift reversal of misfortune." Ugh.
(via FARK)
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From our "Where Are They Now?" Department, 1980s Division.
They should put this picture in the dictionary, right between assemble and assume.
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Because we've reached the point where we're too effing lazy to pour breakfast cereal out of the box and need a machine to dispense it like one of those automatic pet feeders.
I suppose the deluxe model will also pour the milk.
(via MetaFilter and elsewhere)
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For someone who spent his entire childhood and part of his early adulthood as a picky eater, there's not much I don't like to eat now. That's one of the joys of learning how to cook -- you learn how to eat and enjoy food, too.
But to this day I still don't have much use for brussels sprouts. I'll eat 'em if I need to be polite, but you won't ever get me to do so out of choice. Same goes for cauliflower. Ish.
So this little Flash game that got posted at MetaFilter this morning really says it all for me.
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Now that The Lesser Of Two Evils has been put back in power, you can bet they are wasting no time promoting their agenda.
Personally, I can hardly wait to celebrate Monkey Ancestor Day. In the words of DNC Chairman Howard Dean: "Yeeeaaaarrrggghhh!"
okay, here's the real agenda, but c'mon, Monkey Ancestor Day would be SO awesome.
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"Hello, I'm Vice President Dick Cheney, and whether I'm out in the woods hunting farmed pheasants or just shooting my lawyer in the face, I like to load my 30-gauge with Season Shot."
"That's right. Season Shot. A special blend of lethal buckshot and flavorful herbs and spices that not only kills the bird, but pre-seasons it so that by the time my Secret Service detail plucks and dresses it for my personal chef to prepare for dinner, it's already loaded with taste."
"Season Shot comes in five delicious flavors - Cajun, Lemon Pepper, Garlic, Teriyaki, and my favorite, Honey Mustard. Once you've tasted a carefully hand-reared and caged pheasant peppered with Season Shot, you'll understand why I tell all the naysayers to go fuck themselves."
"Season Shot -- it's a no-brainer!"
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Lately I've posted a number of video clips of left-wing commentators like Bill Maher and Keith Olbermann. So, in fairness to the oocasional Republican who finds his way to this site, I offer noted right-wing commentator Rush "Speed Kills" Limbaugh speaking his mind (Flash video).
(A hearty thank you to a mutual friend of Andre Torrez for making this; you're going to see it all over the Internet by tomorrow)
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I don't usually watch Bill Maher's show on HBO -- I'm an old fart and am usually in bed by 11:00 on a Friday night -- but thanks to the magic of The Internets it's easy to keep up with his regular "New Rules" segment, which is generally the best part of the show anyway. I like Maher better than the "fake news" premise of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" (even though I do find those both very funny); I think it's a bit more honest to go head-to-head with newsfigures rather than hide behind the safe disguise of a staged bit. Maher also points his monologue at a broader range of subjects than just the usual Washington idiotocracy. It's good to remember that there is a world outside of politics, even if someone is making fun of it.
I especially liked this recent "New Rules" segment wherein he pulls no punches about the "We're Number One!" chest-thumping that permeates American society. We ain't Number One in much any more, and he's got the statistics to prove it.
Over at MetaFilter this morning, there was a link to a local news story about a kid who got attacked by a deer -- he petted it, and it started chasing him, trying to lick the sweat off him like he was a human salt lick.
Just your run-of-the-mill light "animal news" type story, but it instant reminded me of one of the funniest things I have ever heard -- the "Bambulance" 911 call.
That link takes you to a Snopes.com page about the 911 call, which has become a cult classic over the years. I first recall hearing this on the radio back in the early 1990s when we lived in Portland, Maine. One of the local morning radio shows had it and they played it again and again for a while. If you scroll down to the bottom of the Snopes entry, there's a link for a RealAudio file of the call, but if you're nice to me, I might e-mail you an MP3 copy of it if you don't like RealPlayer. If you've somehow managed never to hear it, you will be doing yourself a big favor to listen to it now (just be warned, there's A LOT of swearing, so choose wisely if you are at work).
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Does anyone else find it a little ironic, if not sad, that the French are touting London as a sexy weekend getaway? Zut alors!
Oh, and I am SO not ordering fried eggs and beans for breakfast the next time we go. But at least they didn't show some bangers on the side of the plate.
This YouTube video is a bit of a rarity -- a Monty Python sketch that was only ever aired once in the U.K.
The story I read that went along with this clip suggests that the BBC allowed this sketch when the show first aired, but cut it out of the repeat broadcast due to a national election and rules governing political speech on television. However, only the repeat program was archived and this sketch was never shown again, nor is it present in any of the DVDs of the series now.
How it ended up being broadcast on a PBS station in Buffalo, NY is anybody's guess. I know I have never seen it. It's funny enough in the context of the usual stuff you'd expect from an early Python sketch, and it is the obvious origin of the classic "Ministry of Silly Walks" sketch later in the series.
Maybe the Republicans should try something like this to catch a few more voters. Sort of "Dancing With The Stars" meets "Meet The Press".
Permalink | Comments (1)The thing I like the most about BusyMom is that even when her life is at its most challenging (and believe me, her life is plenty challenging, especially compared to mine), she keeps her incredible sense of humor and ability to see things with her own unique point of view.
Today's post that had me chortling:
I was in line for breakfast this morning here at Minor Medical Center (home of the greatest made to order omlettes, evah!, btw) and I noticed the lady in front of me ordered bacon AND sausage, a biscuit, gravy and eggs.Permalink | Comments (1)When she turned around, I saw the embriodered logo on her shirt that said, "Cardiovascular Surgery".
Click image for larger popup
It's a miracle, a sign from God! The image of Jesus has appeared magically on this dog's ass!
Hallelujah!
(Thanks, Jack!)
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Undoubtedly.
The Krispy Kreme donut empire collapsed in on itself a couple of years ago after making the classic mistake of expanding their franchises too fast. The first one they opened in the Boston area, for example, which was in Medford (a town that already had 13 Dunkin Donuts locations, BTW), opened to mile-long lines only to find itself shuttered and empty. It has recently been reopened as a Kelley's Roast Beef location.
This news report from the Orlando Sun-Sentinel reports that the Palm Beach, Florida police department is considering turning a defunct Krispy Kreme store into a police substation. After all, the cops were already used to spending all day there anyway...
Check this picture out. The guy in the photo has tattooed some evenly spaced lines on the back of his hand so he can use his hand to jot down notes. It's a brilliant, if odd, idea: it's very difficult to lose (providing he doesn't juggle chainsaws for a living or something), the lines won't smudge or smear off, and there's no chance of his hand running out of batteries and losing all the data.
The fellow in question is a fashion designer, and this picture and the explanation about his unusual tattoo appeared in a New York Times story a couple of weeks ago during Fashion Week. (You'll need to go down about 3/4 of the way through the article to see the picture and read the bit about his hand)
For his next trick, he should have a fountain pen nib replacing the nail on the index finger of his other hand so he always has a pen!
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Be ye havin' a rough gale of it tryin' to keep yer palaver all piratey-like today, ye should be haulin' yer keel over to the English-To-Pirate Translator so's ye don't sound like a blasted land-lubber on our fair holiday.
Shiver me timbers!
Permalink |Only four more days til our favorite holiday of the year, Talk Like A Pirate Day!
I've lost track, but it seems to me we've been celebrating TLAPD for four or five years now. It always manages to catch me by surprise, though, just like a fine pirate ship skulkin' up on an Indiaman.
Arr!
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Me like pie.
Here Powerpoint presentation 'bout pie. Pie good. Presentation good. Powerpoint is a wanker.
(Oh, and I feel obliged to point out that the author of this slide deck somehow managed not to include a pie chart)
(via Marginal Revolution)
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When you star buying designer black toilet paper.
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Thanks to random stranger Jim Dolan for sending me this photo of an ACTUAL WARNING LABEL on a fast food cup.
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I do not even WANT to know what part of a chicken White Castle uses to make these deep fried chicken rings.
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MAKE:Blog has a post this morning about a fellow who bought a Bluetooth headset for his cell phone and embedded it inside a styrofoam banana.
Lucky for him it's an artificial banana, or it would get pretty nasty after about a week, unless he also has a recipe for Bluetooth Banana Bread.
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Most Americans have probably never heard of RyanAir, but it's a budget airline in the U.K. not unlike the long-defunct People Express or present-day carriers like Southwest or JetBlue. They run on a thin margin selling dirt-cheap airfares from Britain to the Continent and other popular British holiday destinations.
Well, the RyanAir folks haven't been very happy with the sudden increase in security measures at British airports because it bogs down their operations and forces them to spend more money on gate security and other things that they've typically skimped on. Rather than rolling over like a docile poodle, the way the other airlines have done, the RyanAir folks have showed a bit more spunk:
Their information page about the current security measures includes a bit of a rant about the stupidity of the new regulations and their somewhat arbitrary enforcement, and now they're taking it a little bit further.
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For the last couple of years the Heinz Company has been putting clever labels on their ketchup bottles instead of the ordinary ones. Occasionally they're funny, more often they're just a tie-in to something like Ore-Ida french fries, but it shows a degree of imagination one might not ordinarily expect from such a corporation (although these same guys also came up with purple and green ketchups, so maybe I'm not giving them enough credit).
Now, in the best tradition of pretending to play along with the populist sentiment of the Internet, Heinz has posted a "Make Your Own Label" page on their website (which, as I type this, is actually down from the spike in traffic no doubt being caused by all 50 million blogs linking to it simultaneously). It's not just a funny screen cap toy, either -- once you've created your label, you can actually order bottles of ketchup with your custom labels glued on.
As with the custom-message M&Ms, custom postage stamps, and other DIY gimmicks that have played the Web in the last couple of years, I have no doubt that your message will be vetted by the people at Heinz for "appropriate content", so I wouldn't even bother with something like "The Blood of 100,000 Dead Iraqis Flows Faster Than Heinz" or "Bush Sucks" or "Another Nickel For John Kerry", but I'm sure you can come up with something clever.
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Woman Gives Birth To Live Rabbit - video powered by Metacafe
Ever wonder what was the origin of the traditional magician's trick of pulling a rabbit out of a hat?
Wonder no more when you watch this video clip. (Probably NSFW)
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Alternate title: "How The Dutch Lost The War"
What you're looking at is an actual "acoustic amplifier" developed by the Dutch in the 1930s as part of their Air Watch Service, intended to alert them to potential German military activity.
Obviously, German intelligence was way ahead of these guys, since their "Tippy-toe Krieg" strategy was able to sneak all their troops past them wearing cushy slippers and issuing orders via giant posters and semaphore flags.
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SPOT THE MORON!
Can you spot the moron?
Yes, Chet, here we are live from the surface of the sun to report that it is in fact HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM. Or fry an egg on the sidewalk. Or whatever.
At any rate, I urgently advise all residents to begin IMMEDIATELY PANICKING! Stock up on ice cream, ice tea, ice coffee, and most of all ICE! But don't forget to panic! It's critical that everyone in the broadcast area be absolutely driven to total hysteria by the fact that it's fucking hot in the middle of the summer!
At the first sign of profuse sweating, citizens are advised to begin screaming like a little girl and waving their hands frantically! Apply gallons of sunscreen, because at these temperatures your skin will turn into living human bacon in 7.3 seconds! Drink plenty of liquids, especially those from our sponsor, "Totally Not Filtered From Your Toilet" Sort-of Spring Water, on sale now at Stop & Shop for a ridiculously inflated price until the heat wave kills the last gasping victim.
Please, be sure to tune in for our up-to-the-minute forecasts predicting even more mind-bendingly frightening weather every time the thermometer notched up a degree! And tonight at 11:00 join me for our series on "Planning In Advance: How To Panic In Case Of Killer Hurricanes!"
Back to you, Chet.
Permalink | Comments (1)Must be seen to be believed: William Shatner's live performance of Elton John's "Rocket Man" at a 1978 science fiction award show.
(via Mark Evanier, who finds all the best jewels at YouTube)
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Here we have a picture of the North American Leatherback. Commonly found all along the Atlantic Coastline of the United States throughout the summer months, this creature is known for its tough hide, which is often harvested for use in upholstering furniture. They can be found basking on beaches in droves, usually accompanied by their soft-fleshed offspring. The male of the species is sometimes known as the "Grape-smuggling Speedo" and is found in two variations: the leather-skinned and the fur-covered.
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I guess it's "Wonders Of Nature Day" today. This tarty-looking aquatic denizen is a creature known to science as Ogcocephalus porrectus, or the Rosy-Lipped Batfish. Any resemblance to my eighth-grade English teacher is strictly coincidental.
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When I were a wee lad, Mr. Potato Head had a whole set of fruit and vegetable pals he hung out with. I distinctly remember the cucumber and the pepper, but there were also an orange and a carrot. I think we actually had the cucumber for a while -- one of us got Mr. Potato Head for Christmas and the other got Cooky Cucumber, but that may be a wishful memory.
Apparently, there was also Dunkie Donut, a cross-promotion with you-know-who. This page says he's from the 1960s, but if you look at the packaging of those other Potato Pals, which are definitely from the '60s, you can see the packaging of Dunkie is quite a bit different. There's also a very 1970s-looking car pictured on the box, parked in front of a DD.
(via my old blogging pal Sciatica, who is back in the saddle again, I see.)
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"The Profane Gourmet" (link goes directly to streaming video, language NSFW)
(actually, I think the "promo" for Rachael Ray halfway through this clip is funnier than the rest of the sketch)
(via Bifurcated Rivets)
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Personally, I prefer the New England style. Pass the oyster crackers here, wouldya?
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My backyard has more mosquitoes per square foot than the Amazon rainforest, but even that does not compare with what you're seeing in the photo above: a cloud of mayflies in Wisconsin so dense that they showed up on weather radar.
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Now you can have ham sushi anytime you want: it's the piglet squid!
(No, I am NOT making that up)
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Kids, PLEASE don't try this at home:
Shooting off 45,000 bottle rockets at one time. (Link goes directly to a YouTube video)
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Since we've all made it to 06/07/06 (or 07/06/06, depending on your whereabouts), let's take a moment to follow up on our friend Eric Julien and his Killer Tsunami.
You'll recall that his initial prediction was that we were all going to be destroyed on May 25.
So, when there was no tsunami that day, he speculated that maybe he'd made some mistakes in his calculations because of the differences between the Julian and Gregorian calendars and the tsunami would hit on "Devil Day" (yesterday, 06/06/06).
Not so much. But that didn't stop our friend Eric from claiming victory, oh no. You see, as it turns out, his website and all the attention it generated got picked up by some friendly extra-terrestrials, who destroyed the comet that was going to cause the tsunami, saving all of us (well at least all of us on the Atlantic coast).
And, just like with the existence of God, you can't prove that he's wrong! Way to go, Eric!
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This is the male Australian Superb Lyrebird, a peacock-like bird indigenous to Southeastern Australia.
This is a nearly-unbelievable film clip of nature filmmaker David Attenborough and a real male lyrebird demonstrating its uncanny ability to mimic the sounds that it hears, using them as part of an elaborate mating call.
I'll bet he gets a lot of action with that car alarm sound. Chicks dig cars.
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I suppose this will cut into the brisk trade on eBay for all of those "miraculous" food items, but surely you have to admit that the ability to imprint the Savior's image directly onto your very own grilled cheese sandwiches, pancakes, and hamburgers is an act of faith that no devout believer should pass up.
(via Stupid Evil Bastard)
Permalink | Comments (2)This news story reports that a man in Australia has been arrested for putting a 14-month-old baby in a clothes dryer to dry her off after she got all wet.
Silly man, don't you know you're supposed to put babies in the microwave?
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Minor Detail #1: It's a fake (though you have to admit it's very realistic looking until you start paying attention to the details)
Minor Detail #2: It's based on an actual incident.
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Via digg, be sure to have a look at this step-by-step photo display of how to build your own papercilp trebuchet. I recommend flaming Tic-Tacs as the payload.
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Longtime readers will know that as a boy I was a huge fan of the animated puppet show "Thunderbirds". It was one in a series of action-adventure shows by legendary TV producer Gerry Anderson which featured detailed marionettes and some great miniatures. Over time the puppetry evolved from impossibly cheesy to relatively sophisticated (Captain Scarlet was undoubtedly the best of the lot), but you have to give Anderson credit for the model work.
Over at MAKE:Blog, they've posted a link to this F.A.B. YouTube clip of a short "behind-the-scenes" film from a British newsreel showing you what was then exclusive color footage of the then-soon-to-be-debuted Thunderbirds show, along with some tantalizing "making-of" footage of the miniatures being shot, the puppet shop, and even the puppeteers.
(P.S., you have no idea how disappointed I was that they totally ruined the live-action Thunderbirds movie by making it a silly kid flick. By contrast, Team America: World Police was a brilliant parody on many levels)
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This is why the Internet was invented: someone has compiled a definitive list of all the insults hurled at the Lost In Space robot (also sometimes known as "Robot B9") by Dr. Smith.
Definitely worth saving for a rainy day.
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Apparently, all of us here on the Atlantic Seaboard are supposed to be destroyed by a massive 200-meter-high tsunami today.
I guess this means I don't have to go mow the lawn after all.
Permalink | Comments (8)"The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord" is now a genuine Internet Classic, but I'm guessing that somehow it hasn't ended up on the Required Reading List at Evil Science University (via MetaChat) because the villains seem to keep making the same old mistakes over and over again.
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McSweeney's is very hit-or-miss as a humor publication. This peek inside the cookie-addled mind of one shaggy blue fellow from Sesame Street is a hit. And at least it's not more of the usual "Bert and Ernie are gay" stuff.
Permalink |Seems like it was barely a month ago that we were all so taken with this little factoid that it even made the national nightly newcasts.
Well here it is again for all you damn furriners. USA is first again! America Rules!!! Yeeee-haw!!!
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Well, okay then!
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The Queen of England with a tape recorder up her nose.
(P.S., Happy 80th Birthday, Your Majesty)
Having worked with both mechanical engineers and software developers for a number of years, I got a kick out of this little story, courtesy of MonkeyFilter: The Parable of the Object-Oriented Toaster.
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Not quite, but close: Do-it-yourself home Lasik eye surgery featuring the "Scal-Pal" hand-held excimer laser!
Just think of the hours of fun you and your friends can have while you slice each other's corneas! Makes a great Christmas gift for the whole family! And if you order now, they'll also throw in a free pair of "Stevie Wonder"-brand sunglasses and the home trepanation kit!
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"The Reproductive Cycle Of The North American Dirigible" at 9:00 p.m. EDT, brought to you by the makers of K-Y Personal Lubricant.
Permalink |Today's time-waster is a Flash game called "Drifts".
Catch the green bubbles, avoid the purple bubbles, watch your afternoon float away.
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We've all seen this picture by now, haven't we?
Well you knew eventually someone was going to post a picture of the other end.
Here it is. (NSFW, obviously)
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Found here.
Permalink |Hanan at growabrain passes on this bit of trivia: early in the morning on Wednesday the clock/calendar will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. Unless, of course, you live in Europe, where you won't have that experience until May 4th.
This only happens once a century (not once a millennium, as Hanan says), so it's unlikely you'll get this chance again. Coming soon, though, will be the much-anticipated 06:06:06 06/06/06.
Permalink |Eeeeewwwww. What's that smell? Oh, sure, blame the dog...
Unless your dog is wearing this: "The Dogone" gas-neutralizing doggie thong!
(Too bad they couldn't get a tie in with goold old "Walter The Farting Dog")
(via Strange New Products)
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(via MonkeyFilter)
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There you have it, my friends, the self-loading, semi-automatic, air-powered spud gun, or, more specifically, the P.A.C. 6 Semi-Automatic Air Cannon.
Capable of firing a projectile up to 300 yards, this DIY beauty lets you choose your ammo: tennis balls, foosballs, or, of course, potatoes. Choose from a variety of accessories -- a breech loader, a tripod, or even a silencer.
Or maybe you're more of the water cannon type. And maybe you'd like to build your own home hovercraft to use as a weapons platform.
Of course, when the authorities come to haul your ass off to jail, you never heard this from me, got it? It was that stupid evil bastard Les who gave you the idea.
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It's March 14th, exactly one month after Valentine's Day, do you know what that means?
Yes, it's "Steak and A Blowjob Day"
Poor Bill, between the heart surgery and all that Republican witch-hunting, this is about as close as he's going to get to either one ever again:
(via FARK, needless to say)
Permalink | Comments (1)Just in case you were laboring under the misapprehension that the 1970s were only embarrassing here in the United States, check out this 70s TV music video from Iceland called "I Wanna Love You Tender" (embedded QuickTime video).
(It might come as a shock to some of you hipster 20-somethings that to those of us who lived through it, the 1970s are not exactly a decade we're proud of aesthetically, whatever your post-modern ironic weltanschau�ng wants to believe. Oh, and two points to me for squeezing in not one but TWO "U-with-an-umlaut"s in the same post with no mention of any heavy metal bands.)
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April, 1932: The U.S. Navy's program of "Stealthy Air Machines" hits a snag while practicing sneak attack maneuvers.
Permalink | Comments (1)One of the big stories yesterday was that the Iranian government banned CNN from the country. Seems that the CNN-provided translator misinterpreted the Iranian president's remarks about nuclear weapons, saying something VERY DIFFERENT than what the president was actually saying, and in the process only making things worse as Bush looks for excuses to invade Iran.
Meanwhile, last week, somebody at Reuters was a little overzealous with the spellchecker and misidentified the Iranian foreign minister, one Manouchehr Mottaki, as "Moocher Mistake". One would usually associate such a thing with those "fair and balanced" fellows at Fox News. I wonder how much the Bushies paid Reuters for that "mistake".
(Don't know how long this link will last, so catch it while you can...)
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Now you never need to look for a place to put down your beer at your company's business-attire summer picnic or Christmas party. The world's first load-bearing necktie will hold your drink without choking you, making it easier to shake the boss's hand and suck up without spilling a drop.
(via MonkeyFilter)
Permalink | Comments (1)Click this link and start playing the 3D version of Tetris (also sometimes called "Well-tris").
Zero daily productivity guaranteed!
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I will leave the title of this photo to your own imagination, but let's just say someone's a bit too literal.
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Not getting to work fast enough on your environmentally-friendly bicycle? No problem!
All you need is a 200 lb. thrust rocket engine, and these simple instructions! Go from zero to 60 in five seconds!
I'm not sure where you're going to get a regular supply of roofing tar to use as fuel, but maybe if you tried to explain it to the guys at Home Depot...okay, well maybe you shouldn't try to explain it...
(The only thing I'm wondering is how my high school buddies Mark and Joe failed to come up with this idea twenty-five years ago, since they were always igniting or exploding something or other)
via MAKE:blog
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Apple CEO Steve Jobs, announcing the latest product in Apple's iPod line, told stunned audiences: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
Patrick Stewart, last heard shilling for Crestor, was unavailable for comment
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