Well, of course I’m not going to lick it if you’ve stuck your key in it, that’s nasty!
Category Amuse
Gotta Heil ‘Em All
Oh, boy, HITLER stamps! If you get all 25, you can trade ‘em in for Sudetenland!
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I’ll See Your Cephalopod And Raise You One Corvid
A crow goes snow-tubing:
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What’s In, What’s Out For 2012
In:
Mutton
Any sheep that looks that bad-ass is gonna make one HELL of a roast leg of mutton. Plus, with the leftovers you can make a nice mutton-lettuce-and-tomato sandwich.
Vicki Lawrence
This is the year, baby! MEGA-Star!! En fuego! Once that sex tape hits YouTube, you are going right to the top!
Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid
Oh YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!
Vanadium
Ductile AND malleable! Take THAT Rhodium, you BITCH!
Terry And The Pirates
Why not? It’s about the only friggin’ comic book thing that HASN’T been made into a movie yet!
Out:
Will.I.Am
More like Will.I.Ain’t, muthafucka!
Azerbaijan
Last year it was all Azerbaijan this and Azerbaijan that, everywhere you looked. And after that fiasco at the People’s Choice Awards, there’s just NO amount of apologetic Twittering that’s gonna get you back in Catherine Zeta Jones’ good graces. So just lay low this year and let Lichtenstein or one of the ‘Stans take all the limelight, okay buddy?
‘Lectric Shave
Ten days in Juarez Mexico, strung out on ‘Lectric Shave, six hundred dollars in the hole to a guy named Gomez, and an ache in your gut that screams “cancer”. Never again, amigo.
Profiteroles
Enough with the PROFIT PROFIT PROFIT! Life is more than money, ferchrissake!
Celebrity Poker
If you knew how many times I’ve woken up at 3:30 in the morning because your wife left the TV tuned to Celebrity Fucking Poker, you’d put it on the OUT list, too!
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Things Go Better With Coke
You wouldn’t think chicken things would be so expensive, but maybe that includes the Coke.
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Stay Classy, America
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Big Duck In A Small Pond
Isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
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You Can’t Make This Stuff Up…Okay, Maybe You Can
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, PROOF that Newt Gingrich is DESTINED to be the next President of the United States: a 1996 photo of then-Speaker of the House Gingrich receiving blessings from a space alien, while then-Senator and presidential candidate Bob Dole looks on with chagrin. As we all know, Bob Dole lost convincingly to Bill Clinton that year, and Clinton had also received the stamp of approval from our Alien Overlords:
In fact, that Space Alien has picked EVERY winning presidential candidate since 1980:
So, OBVIOUSLY, when he met with Gingrich and NOT Dole in 1996, he was telling Gingrich to be patient and wait his turn! WAKE UP SHEEPLE! THE FIX IS IN!
And did you know that Barack Obama was a teenage time traveler for the government back in the 1980s and teleported to Mars? IT’S ON THE INTERNET SO IT’S TRUE!
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It’s Always Christmas At Neverland Ranch
Don’t you just miss Michael Jackson?
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The Only Science Conservatives Believe In
