Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day here in the United States. Most Thanksgiving dinners feature a roast turkey as the main course, and all told Americans will consume approximately 675 million pounds of turkey tomorrow. Resultingly, approximately 900 million hours of tryptophan-induced post-dinner naps will occur sometime in between the conclusion of the meal and halftime of the Dallas Cowboys v. Seattle Seahawks game, waking up just in time to indulge in 479 million hours of insulin-induced diabetic comas from eating 366 million pumpkin pies.

Earlier today, George W. Bush got in a little practice before letting himself and his band of war criminals off the hook by pardoning not one, but TWO turkeys. Luckily the turkeys were named “Pumpkin” and “Pecan”, not “Dubya” and “Dick”, but I suspect he’ll get around to freeing those turkeys before January 20, too.

Poultry processing is a filthy, dangerous, cruel, and relentless thing, just perfect for the backdrop for an interview with Sarah Palin, or an episode of “Dirty Jobs”. If people really knew much about how that mutant hyper-breasted fowl got from the farm to their plate, they would probably never eat a drumstick or slice of breast meat again.

The animal protection group Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen, NY has been running a program called Adopt-A-Turkey since 1986 that lets you “sponsor” your very own rescued turkey living at the program’s farms in New York and California. The rescued turkeys live a life free from the harsh conditions of commercial poultry farming, and even get their own special vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner every year. You can even really “adopt” a turkey to take home and care for yourself…just don’t mention cranberry sauce around the bird when you get him home.