1. Dear American news media: it is totally unnecessary to keep reporting the same single factoid every ten minutes for 36 hours straight. We got it. William and Kate did get married….er, Obama did release his birth certificate…um, they finally killed Osama Bin Laden…Donald Trump is a monster asshole (oh, wait, that’s tomorrow’s obsession).
2. Dear American college students: you were only 10 years old when 9/11 happened. I realize there usually aren’t any good parties on a Sunday night, but please stop with the debauchery as if your school just won the NCAA tournament. According to Yahoo, most of you don’t even really know who Osama is (well, was).
3. Dear every other American who has behaved like the aforementioned college students over this news: remember how pissed off you were about the Palestinians cheering in the streets on 9/11? That’s you. Shut the fuck up, take a minute to soberly remember the dead — not just the 3,000 Americans but the tens of thousands of people in Iraq and Afghanistan who have been sacrificed for our moment of revenge — and hope that Bin Laden’s death really DOES mean something more than an excuse for you to behave like gorillas in heat.
4. Dear Asif Ali Zardari: you are the biggest lying piece of shit in the world. You make George W. Bush look good in comparison if you really expect a single person anywhere to believe the assertion that the Pakistani government did not know that Bin Laden was living next door to a military base FOR SIX YEARS. The American government has far too long put up with the charade that Pakistan isn’t the actual driving force behind the Taliban and Al Quaeda, and maybe with Bin Laden out of the way there will be little reason to pretend much longer.
5. Dear Barack Obama: at what point do you stop being a pale imitation of George W. Bush? Is this that moment? Now that you’ve actually trumped Bush (see what I did there?) at the one thing he couldn’t claim as “Mission Accomplished”, is it even remotely possible to step away from a decade of war, the crumbling edifice of civil liberties, the encroachment of a police state, the fear-mongering, the jingoism? Please? PLEASE!?!?! I know that this country will never again be the same, but you gave up so quickly and so thoroughly and almost gratefully accepted the mantle of despot that Bush left behind. You seem like such a smart man that I have a hard time understanding what political calculus you’ve gone through that made it seem okay to you to carry on the same way things had been going for the eight years prior. It’s not okay. You can have as much credit as you want for being the guy who gave the order to pull the trigger on that sonofabitch, but you also get to own all the blame for the trillion dollars wasted to accomplish that, the lives lost or ruined, and the legacy of a greatly diminished nation. If you really think it was worth all that, maybe you’re not as smart as you look. I shudder to think that maybe Donald Trump is right about you.
