Tag Christian wackos

Apocalypse RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Remember Harold Camping? He was the guy who had us all thinking the world was going to end on May 21, and then, of course, it didn’t. So he retreated to his lair, came up with a bullshit explanation about that and declared October 21st, TODAY, as the REAL honest-to-goodness, zombies everywhere, fire-and-brimstone end of the world.

I think I saw some zombies on the way to work this morning, walking into Dunkin Donuts for their coffee. In fact, I think *I* was one of those zombies! AAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!

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How You Will (Not) Die

The National Safety Council has a list of the top 23 causes of death in the United States, and this BuzzFeed post conveniently lists them for you along with some meme-tastic pictures for illustration (several of which regular BKO readers will recognize, I’m sure). It should come as no surprise that the top three are heart disease, cancer, and stroke. Also on the list are being stung by bees (#20), riding a motorcycle (#11), and assault by firearms (#9).

Noticeably absent:

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Happy Apocalypse, Dear Charlotte

I think by now we’ve all had about enough of the “End Of The World”. That “2012″ movie that came out in November has only grossed about $163 million domestically against an estimated production budget of $200 million (although the overseas receipts have more than made up the difference). Astronomy blogger Phil Plait has been telling us for two years that the whole thing about the Mayan Calendar is just a load of hooey. Even the SNL spoof of the 2012 trailer which ties the end of the world to the election of the Palin/Beck “Dream Ticket” has managed to evaporate from most corners of the web (pulled from YouTube, not available on Hulu, etc.).

And do you know why??? It’s because the REAL “End Of The World” is coming MUCH SOONER! In fact, the Last Day is now firmly set for May 21, 2011. And who has given us this knowledge of the Day Of Reckoning? Why THIS GUY, that’s who! And he should know, because he’s the same guy who correctly predicted the End of Days back in 1994! He’s even got it right on the front page of his website, so it MUST BE TRUE! Camping says its all based on a complex mathematical formula explained thusly in the SFGate article:

The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

“Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

“Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.

Well, how could you refute such ironclad logic and big numbers and stuff? Any fool can see that the number 722,500 spells The Rapture! And that whole 1994 fiasco? Just some bad math. This time for sure.

May 21, 2011 also happens to be my daughter Charlotte’s tenth birthday, so I guess I won’t have to send out invitations to all those True Believers who are going to be Raptured up to Jesus that day. That’ll save a lot of money on birthday cake and goodie bags to be sure. Any possible metaphorical connection between my daughter turning 10 and the Apocalypse is completely coincidental.

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Funny, He Doesn’t LOOK Muslim

I’ve said it before, and I ‘ll say it again: I do not believe that “Al Quaeda” (whatever that really is) will ever be able to stage another successful terrorist attack on American soil. however, I am firmly convinced that fundamentalist right-wing Christians WILL.

The events at Jerry Falwell’s funeral yesterday do nothing to dissuade me.

And what is the likelihood that this fellow will go to Gitmo? Less than zero, I suspect.

Comments:
egad…I hadn’t even heard word one about Fallwell’s planting. It figures, it just figures. I agree with you…those Evangelists scare me in a big way and my sister is one. She was never frightening until she signed on with those lunatics.
Posted by Karan [URL] on 05/24/07

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