Tag Michael Jackson

Over the weekend, two British tabloids reported that Michael Jackson’s sister LaToya told them that the Gloved One was murdered and that she knew who the conspirators involved were.

I can now report EXCLUSIVELY that the details of this heinous crime have been revealed and that investigations are underway to bring the perpetrators to justice.

Sources who insist on remaining unidentified have told me that the plot to kill Wacko Jacko was originated by none other than former Vice President Dick Cheney!

These details emerged late last week as part of the gathering firestorm in Washington over the revelations that Cheney had ordered the CIA not to reveal information about his private “anti-terror” death squads. Even though Cheney has been out of office for six months, it does appear that his minions inside the CIA are still taking orders and carrying out orders to “terminate with extreme prejudice”.

But, in an even more shocking revelation, this reporter has learned of the ACTUAL THRILLER KILLER!!!

That’s right! Television reality star and mother of eight, Kate Gosselin, was secretly recruited by the CIA while pregnant with her sextuplets and turned into a “sleeper cell” agent who could be turned into a highly-trained ninja assassin with a single code word. Informants say that once Kate heard the phrase “Jon’s got another bimbo”, her eyes glazed over and she began at once to pack her bags for Neverland.

Inside sources tell BKO that Ninja Kate also brought along her older daughter, Mady (the really whiny one), to act as lookout and one of the little boys (as yet unidentified, but believed to be Aaden, since Cheney hates bullshit made-up names like that) to be used as bait to lure the Pedo-Pop Perv into an open area, where he was no match for Ninja Kate’s lightning-fast shuriken. CIA operatives previously ensconced undercover at Neverland were then able to inject a cocktail of drugs into Mad Mike’s body to make it look like he had overdosed on painkillers.

As usual, Cheney seems unrepentant for his crimes. When asked for comment by reporters, he offered his usual smirking snarl of a smile and said only, “Fuck you, pinko.” Kate Gosselin, who has no memory of her secret agent training, has told reporters that she was giving a lecture to a group of multiple-birth moms in Teaneck, NJ when all this happened, and that her children love to make up stories about her being a stealthy ninja. LaToya Jackson has reportedly refused to watch the TLC network following these revelations in mortal fear that Kate might somehow jump out of the television and kill her, too.

Now suspicions have arisen that Kate Gosselin has been responsible for other mysterious celebrity deaths, most notably the recent demise of actor David Carradine, whose family also publicly opined that his death by autoerotic asphyxiation in a Bangkok hotel room last month was somehow “foul play”.

Some Washington insiders even believe that there is the outside chance that Ninja Kate was the operative behind the botched “pretzel choking” incident that nearly took the life of President George W. Bush in early 2002. Even if Gosselin was not the would-be assassin, insiders note, the incident had all the hallmarks of a Cheney Death Squad operation.

Congressional investigators also say they would like to question Cheney and Gosselin about possible involvement in the deaths of Saddam Hussein, balloon-enthusiast-cum-millionaire Steve Fossett, Socks the White House Cat, and Marilyn Monroe.

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