Tag Michael Phelps

Take Two Pair And Call Me In The Morning

Not only did America get to know Michael Phelps up close and personal during the Olympics, we also got our money’s worth of interviews, profiles, reaction shots, and tidbits about His Sainted Mother, Debbie.

A handful of the athletes who rose to stardom in Beijing are about to find themselves richer than their wildest dreams as they get signed to endorsement deal after endorsement deal. Michael Phelps himself is likely to pull down at least $100 million this year, according to one agent, but others are also poised to bring in big bucks (though you might not be so lucky if you’re from a small country unless your name is Usain Bolt).

Apparently, though, the reflected glow of Michael Phelps’ glory is bright enough to send a few shekels his mother’s way. The Huffington Post reports that Debbie Phelps has snagged a lucrative deal with clothing retailer Chico’s to promote a line of clothing for women-of-a-certain-age called (unoriginally enough) “The Debbie Phelps Collection”. Some of the merchandise is even helpfully annotated by Chico’s with the infotainment programs Debbie appeared on wearing those items. Hmmm…is “As Seen On ‘Access Hollywood’” really a selling point for middle-aged women?

A bit more controversially, though, The Holy Mother is also on board as an endorser for the ADHD drug Concerta. This post at Beacon Broadside by Chris Mercogliano, author of the book Teaching The Restless: One School’s Remarkable No-Ritalin Approach to Helping Children Learn and Succeed, reveals that Debbie Phelps has posted this article on an ADHD-focused Facebook page (PDF) sponsored by a pediatric pharmaceutical company, wherein she recommends “medication management”. The reason this is somewhat controversial is because during the Olympics she openly discussed her son’s own struggle with ADHD and his eventual refusal to take Ritalin, and her own description of the adverse effects Ritalin had on Michael as a pre-teen. Moreover, Debbie Phelps’ own career as a professional educator lends her a fair amount of credibility in endorsing an ADHD drug, far more than her status as a quasi-celebrity confers on a collection of women’s wear.

But, hey, a buck’s a buck, right?

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10 Things You Need To Know About Michael Phelps

By now I’ll bet you’re thinking there isn’t the slightest factoid that you haven’t heard Bob Costas, Rowdy Gaines, Matt Lauer or Brian Williams tell you at least several hundred times about Michael Phelps.

Well, you’re wrong. Here are just a few fascinating, 100% TRUE facts about The Greatest Human Being Who Ever Lived, Michael Phelps:

  1. Michael Phelps can talk to bison. In fact, his name in Lakota Sioux is “Swims Like A Fish, Talks Like A Bison”
  2. Angelina Jolie has agreed to bear 14 children for Michael Phelps (one for each gold medal) to begin breeding a race of super-strong, pouty-lipped uberhumans. Unlike Brad Pitt, Phelps will actually get to have sex with Angie.
  3. Michael Phelps single-handedly saved the entire winter wheat crop in Canada in 1925, 60 years before he was even born! A life-sized statue of Phelps made entirely of wheat chaff stands proudly in the center of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan to commemorate the event. The statue was erected in 1929, so for years the locals in Saskatoon had no idea who or what the statue was about and just assumed it was some hockey player who had gone east to make his fortune. Only after the 2004 Athens Olympics did anyone in Saskatoon know why they had the statue.
  4. The United States Coast Guard has replaced all of its lighthouse fog horns with amplified recordings of the yell Michael Phelps let loose after the U.S. team won the 4x100m IM relay. Oceanologists report that the electric eel population in the Atlantic Ocean seems to be increasing since the new recordings began sounding.
  5. The only endorsement deal Michael Phelps has signed so far is with Playtex Natural-Shaped Applicator Tampons. He refuses to comment or to sign other deals.
  6. Every athlete living in the Beijing Olympic Village has received a six-pack of Hawaiian Punch and a package of Dolly Madison Zingers courtesy of Michael Phelps.
  7. Michael Phelps’ body does not actually exist in the same time-space continuum as the rest of us. He is really seven minutes and twenty-two seconds in the future and approximately nineteen feet southwest of where he appears to be.
  8. Michael Phelps rejected an offer from the super-secret government agency that is responsible for all the superheroes in the United States, and reportedly even said no when they offered to throw in a no-strings-attached one-nighter with Jessica Simpson (who is also known as “ElectroGirl”). When the Chinese government learned about this from their own secret agent planted deep inside the U.S. government (recently revealed to be Senator John McCain), they countered the offer with a lifetime supply of cheaply-made plastic kitchen utensils and a pair of Ralph Lauren loafer knock-offs. No word what Phelps’ response was to that counter-offer.
  9. When Michael Phelps sings, windows as far as 75 miles away begin to ring with the resonant harmony. One woman in Englewood, CO claims that her dog can also hear it and begins to sing along.
  10. Baskin-Robbins has announced that they will change all 31 flavors of their ice cream to the new “Michael Phelps” flavor. It tastes like a mixture of chlorine, Gatorade, and awesome.
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The Michael Phelps Olympics, Presented By The Michael Phelps Network, Starring Michael Phelps

So far the Olympics have been worth watching, BUT if the dorkwads on NBC say the words “Michael Phelps” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I am going to catch the very next plane to Beijing and stab Bob Costas in the chest with a javelin once for each one of those record-setting eight Olympic gold medals. Also, they had DAMN WELL better get some new commercials in rotation for the second week. If I have to listen to Morgan Freeman tell me about the spirit of the Olympics or sit through that pointless Audi commercial over and over again for another week, I will carry out the same malice against whatever moron sold hundreds of hours of spots to the same four advertisers.

Is it me, or did George Bush look basically stoned off his ass every time they showed him at some Olympic venue, especially all those photos of him checking out Kerri Walsh’s ass.

Lastly, and I am sure I am not the only one to formulated this opinion, that “Kath & Kim” show is going to suck and will not last more than four episodes. Running promos every hour is not going to make it the least bit better.

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