- boobcheese
- tickle fights
- child actor suicides
- Betty White
- Zombie Farrah Fawcett
- Canadian pissing habits
- that milkaholic Lindsay
- ChatRoulette
- whatever half-assed thing Google did this week
- out-of-control Toyotas
Tag overhyped
Observe The Snow, It Fornicates
Dear Harvey, Pete, Barry, Kevin, and every other weathermonkey on Boston-area TV: Enough is enough. The fucking blizzard was THIRTY-TWO YEARS AGO. It’s time to stop trotting out the same blurry videotape of cars stuck on Rt. 128 that is older than some of the people who are actually on your broadcast, just so we can remember what Harvey looked like with hair. We’re having a slightly-below-average snowfall so far this winter, including the “Snore-easter” that missed us a couple of weeks ago, so any mention of the Blizzard of 78 this season is totally gratuitous anyway. It’s time to relegate the legend to wherever things like Harvey’s hair have gone to its reward.
And to Bob Costas, Al Michaels, Dick Ebersol, and pretty much everyone else who works at NBC: the same goes for the motherfucking “Miracle On Ice”. It’s one thing for Mike Eruzione to make his entire career milking it to death, and maybe even Al gets a free pass for putting it on his resume, but otherwise STFU. There will never be another “miracle” hockey team because the whole Olympic hockey competition is basically an NHL round-robin tournament, so let’s agree it was an amazing upset moment, like 1969 was for the Mets> and the Jets, and move on to more exciting things like those smokin’ hot curling chicks.
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There’s No Business Like Show Business
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Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright
This week Barack Obama committed the United States to at least two more years of war, 30,000 troops in harm’s way for no other reason than saving face, and umpteen billions of dollars wasted FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER and we are inundated with:
- Tiger Woods proving he knows how to put it in the hole
- GateCrashGate
- Meredith Baxter Birney, stealth lesbian
- Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and those intensely awful Best Buy carolers
¡Ya basta!
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Ephemeral Effluvia
More additions to the list:
Levi Johnston
Carrie Prejean
Blue Dog Democrats
The Entire Lohan Family
The 2012 Apocalypse
The Republican “Comeback”
“ordinary heroes”
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Addenda
More effluvia:
- Those Northwest Airlines pilots
- Zombie Michael Jackson
- Sexy ____________ Halloween Costumes (in fact, anything to do with adults and Halloween)
- Celebrity Twitters
- Balloon Boy and His Crazy Dad (thankfully, this one has already faded quite a bit)
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Cinco, Hold The Mayo
Taking a page from the playbook they used to turn Halloween from a low-key celebration for small children into an excuse for drunken costumed debauchery for adults, the beer and liquor companies appear to have turned their attention to Cinco de Mayo. I don’t particularly recall ANY attention being paid to celebrating Cinco de Mayo until this year, when WHAMMO there has seemed to be a blitz of ads and PR, all of it coming from beer and liquor makers. Apparently the recession is even affecting alcoholics, and Seagram’s, Anheuser-Busch, et.al. need to pump up those quarterly numbers. They haven’t quite figured out how to turn the Easter Bunny into a beer-swilling, babe-ogling spokescharacter yet, so they had to settle for a holiday that isn’t even officially celebrated in this country. Of course, the candy makers have been left out on this one, but they still have the lock on Easter, so it evens things out pretty well.
Unsurprisingly, the remora-like sidekicks of the booze business — the chip and snack makers — are also along for the ride. Because, hey, if you’re drinking beer or margaritas, you probably want some nachos with that, right? What could be MORE American than getting sick drunk on cheap beer and tequila and throwing up an entire half-digested platter of nachos grandes con carne?
Eventually, ALL American holidays will be transmogrified into excuses for overindulgence of one sort or another. The big ones were snapped up years ago, of course, but there are some perfect branding opportunities available for Arbor Day and Flag Day. Also, the month of August is totally lacking in a national holiday — the only month of the year without one — so somebody really needs to get on the stick. My birthday, August 27, is available, although it’s a little close to Labor Day. Maybe we can just declare the third Monday of August “Hot Enough To Fry An Egg On The Street Day”, or finally give Herbert Hoover the recognition he so richly deserves by celebrating his birthday (August 10). Bill Clinton was also born in August, but we already celebrate “Steak And A Blowjob Day” in March.
But back to Cinco de Mayo for a moment. I am willing to wager that nobody reading this blog has the slightest idea what Cinco de Mayo celebrates, unless you already cheated and Googled it up. I had no idea myself until *I* Googled it up this morning for this post. Everybody sort of knows that it’s a Mexican holiday, and since that means Coronas and guacamole, who CARES what it celebrates?!?!?
Some people believe that Cinco de Mayo is the Mexican version of Independence Day, and that erroneous factoid even gets taught in some schools. The real Independence Day in Mexico, however, is September 16. Don’t say that too loudly, though, or you-know-who will be pushing beer and nachos on us then, too. But the holiday does commemorate a significant date in Mexican history: it celebrates a victory over the French, who attempted to conquer Mexico in 1862. Apparently, Napoleon III figured that the United States was too busy with the Civil War to enforce the Monroe Doctrine, and thought Mexico would be an easy pickup. His commanding general got his ass handed to him at the Battle of Guadalupe, and THAT is the reason Mexicans celebrate on May 5. The French hung on to their foothold in Mexico for a few more years before they gave up, but the victory at Guadalupe represents the success of the Mexicans at preventing wholesale conquest.
So this gives me the perfect idea for a new holiday. I’ve already established that we don’t have a national holiday in August, AND the new-found affection for Cinco de Mayo demonstrates that Americans are perfectly willing to celebrate the national holidays of other countries as long as they can somehow be tied to binge drinking. Well, nobody ties one on like the Russians, my friends, and it just so happens that the anniversary of the Battle of Stalingrad is August 23. American consumers LOVE premium vodka, so need I say more?
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The Michael Phelps Olympics, Presented By The Michael Phelps Network, Starring Michael Phelps
So far the Olympics have been worth watching, BUT if the dorkwads on NBC say the words “Michael Phelps” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I am going to catch the very next plane to Beijing and stab Bob Costas in the chest with a javelin once for each one of those record-setting eight Olympic gold medals. Also, they had DAMN WELL better get some new commercials in rotation for the second week. If I have to listen to Morgan Freeman tell me about the spirit of the Olympics or sit through that pointless Audi commercial over and over again for another week, I will carry out the same malice against whatever moron sold hundreds of hours of spots to the same four advertisers.
Is it me, or did George Bush look basically stoned off his ass every time they showed him at some Olympic venue, especially all those photos of him checking out Kerri Walsh’s ass.
Lastly, and I am sure I am not the only one to formulated this opinion, that “Kath & Kim” show is going to suck and will not last more than four episodes. Running promos every hour is not going to make it the least bit better.
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The Worst Of Both Worlds
A few thoughts on this Miley Cyrus brouhaha:
Do you suppose all those photos last week were cleverly leaked to take some of the heat off of this picture? After all, I’m sure her “people” knew that the magazine was on the stands this week, and this photo at least has the “cred” of being an honest-to-goodness photo shoot by Annie Leibovitz.
It wouldn’t surprise me a bit. Billy Ray and his teen puppet superstar daughter have quite obviously learned a lesson from the media buzz that happened last year when a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens appeared on the Internet. The lesson was that you could survive that sort of publicity if you could make the public believe you were appropriately remorseful but still basically a good person, and Disney might not fire your ass back to Tennessee if you got out in front of the bad press. By contrast, all the wall-to-wall coverage of Brittney, Paris and Lindsay made it clear that these young women were not the least bit sorry for their skank-ass behavior and were likely to keep doing it until the money ran out, the judge put them in jail, or they were found dead in a puddle of their own vomit.
Being associated with Disney may make you a star when you are 15, but it can be an extremely hard monkey to get off your back when you are 21. Or 35. Or 60. Consider Annette Funicello or Tommy Kirk. In fact, child stardom in general is so often a curse that hangs over the life of a person that one wonders why people will even allow their children to begin working in show business. Vanessa Hudgens can claim otherwise if she wants, but her naked photos for her “boyfriend” were a shot across the bow for Disney that she could have a career without them.
Billy Ray Cyrus might be a one-hit wonder as a musician, and he couldn’t dance his way out of a paper bag, but my guess is that he’s strategized his daughter’s career a few steps ahead. They are definitely at the stage where she needs to establish “Miley Cyrus” and start downplaying “Hannah Montana”. They also have to begin looking beyond the little girls who were the initial fanbase and start making overtures to the older teen audience, who won’t go for that cutesy crap. Show a little skin, leak a few pictures that promise a lot more than they deliver, hold a press conference where the star gets to be contrite and sincere, and you’ve officially crossed the threshhold.
The Disney people know that their target demo never changes, even though the specific people in that demo grow out of it, so they are already looking beyond Miley Cyrus. At the moment they have put some effort into a girl named Selena Gomez, who actually had a small recurring role on “Hannah Montana” as a rival teen singer before being given her own sitcom. In addition to the show, she’s also on her way to becoming yet another singing teen idol thanks to Radio Disney. In fact, this Conde Nast Portfolio article talks about how Disney has decided to use the “Hanna Montana” model to clone teen star after teen star. We watch a LOT of Disney Channel in our house, and there’s absolutely no subtlety in what the House Of Mouse is up to.
Personally I don’t think this particular picture of Miley Cyrus is all that flattering. She’s only pretty to an average degree in the first place, and this picture doesn’t suit her at all. I also don’t buy into the “OMG, it’s so OFFENSIVE!” outrage, because our culture LOVES this sort of thing. We go so far out of our way to oversexualize young children that there are even tales of mothers taking their 8-year-old daughters for bikini waxing. So I call bullshit and say that this is all just so much intentional manipulation on the part of Team Miley.