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Even though most Republicans these days reject the basic tenets of science, that doesn’t mean scientists have given up on them. There’s new research to suggest that chimpanzees who fling their poop are smarter than those who don’t.
Which certainly helps to explain the resurgence of one Newton Leroy Gingrich in the polls. He’s the SMART Republican candidate!
My child has inherited her mother’s potty mouth. Even when she was a very small child, she could be counted on to let loose with a choice blasphemy at inopportune moments, but these days seems intent on swearing as often as she draws breath. Now, I will readily acknowledge that I, too, engage in my share of obscenity, but lately I am coming in third in the rankings and would likely be voted off the island if we were contestants on a swearing competition reality show (I can already imagine Spike TV putting together the details for “Filthiest Mouth In America”).
Most swear words in English are ancient ones that found their way to Albion with the Saxons or the Romans or the Vikings, although they probably only supplanted even earlier words favored by the Druids. This post at Mental Floss says that people have tried to retcon the word “shit” into being a 19th century acronym standing for “Ship High In Transit”, not unlike the way others have tried to make “fuck” stand for “For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” (or, even less likely, “First Universalist Church of Kennebunk”). But both of these words belong to the mysts of antiquity, as “shit” is a direct descendant of the Old English “scite” (which means…well, shit), and “fuck” seems to be direct from the Old Swedish word for “penis”, with a little Middle Dutch thrown in for variety.
However, not all shit is created equal. Slate’s Paul Collins discovered that the expression “shit-faced”, meaning intoxicated, doesn’t really have anything to do with passing out in your own poop, but comes from a completely different direction — the word “shittle”, which refers to being flighty or inconsistent and apparently has nothing to do with feces. In fact, he introduces us to an expression which I fear may turn into a regular occurrence in this household — “Shittle-ti-dee” — along with a whole shit-sack of related terms. This particular etymology can’t be blamed on the Germanic ancestors, it’s Scottish…and they know a thing or two about getting shit-faced, for sure.
Physicians recommend that everybody have a colonoscopy when they reach the age of 50 to detect early signs of colorectal cancer and remove any pre-cancerous polyps growing in the colon. This post at Next Big Future.com explains that timely detection and treatment has the potential to reduce the occurrence of colorectal cancer by 65%. Nearly 50,000 people in the U.S. die of colorectal cancer every year.
For reasons I can’t quite figure out, my wife seems preoccupied with the idea of having a colonoscopy, even though we are still a couple of years away from the magic 50th birthday target. It’s a not-infrequent topic of conversation in our house, even at the dinner table(!), with much attention lavished on the pre-test need to evacuate one’s bowels completely through the consumption of laxatives. My blog-buddy “Linkmeister” Steve wrote a little about his experience with “The Drink” and the procedure itself a few months ago; it’s obviously no parade in the park, but given that most people don’t have to have another one for ten years after the first one, it just doesn’t seem to be worth the obsessing.
So, this little video from “Butt Meddler” is dedicated to my charming wife and the knowledge that she turns 50 four months sooner than me:
Finally a cause EVERYONE can get behind!
April 18 is International Poop For Peace Day.
Through the universality of this most basic human experience, all people can join in to remind one another that the differences between us are nothing but a load of crap.
Just in time for your last-minute Valentine’s Day shopping, how about a nice big bag of elephant poop? Or maybe you’re more of a traditionalist and would prefer to send some cow patties? Want to tell somebody you’ve "gone ape" over them — a Ziploc full of gorilla shit may be just the ticket.
Shit Senders.com promises to deliver the goods right to the door of your intended recipient, complete with an anonymous greeting card placed right in the bag with the excrement so they’ll have to open the bag to appreciate the full effect.
Don’t mistake this for Zoo Doo. Zoo Doo is composted and ready to spread on your garden. This is 100% poop in a bag. Accept no substitutes.
On a recent trip to IKEA, Bridget and Charlotte were overcome with the need to purchase half a dozen or more of these coat hooks that look like dog butts. It being IKEA, they had some hoopy Swedish name like pøøchenheinie, which only added to the MUST BUY MORE impulse. We were shopping for a couch for the playroom, but, hey, dog butts!
So I have no doubt that the next big household purchase is likely to be a selection of these towel holders:
Unfortunately, I cannot look at this particular novelty item without recalling my parents’ dog, Max. He was a big, lumbering black Lab with a penchant for eating unusual items. Once he ate a pair of Bridget’s earrings. Another time he ate an entire package of Bic disposable razors. One memorable Christmas Eve, he ate the entire deli platter my mother had bought for our holiday buffet (well, all the meat, anyway, not the platter itself). But the reason this thing reminds me of Max is the time he ate a pair of pantyhose. My father was out walking him, when the dog began to squat to poop but was having difficulty passing something. As the dog became more distressed, my father tried to help the dog and discovered the undigested pantyhose emerging from the dog’s butthole. He began to tug to try to pull them out of the dog, who, still quite distressed, attempted to flee in the opposite direction. This had the intended effect of extracting the pantyhose, though apparently they stretched quite a lot as the dog tried to run away.
We never did get the earrings back.
Do you find this ad for Cialis a bit…suggestive?
How about this commercial for Kellogg’s All-Bran cereal? (YouTube link)
Or this ad for K-Y Personal Lubricant:
What do you think they’re trying to TELL US???
Mutual Friend of Torrez “mrneutron” offers up an opinion about the value of so-called “colon cleansing” treatments. His semi-professional assessment may be the Quote of the Week:
There’s a reason why I believe commercial colon cleansing supplements and the claims used to sell them are bunk. My dad is a pathologist, and in high school I would assist him with private autopsies. I have personally disassembled the large and small intestines of between a half dozen and a dozen dead humans, pyloric to sigmoid. I have never seen anything resembling a “plaque” or “pounds of rotting meat”. My dad, who has done hundreds of autopsies, has never seen anything like those images. I haven’t found a doctor who has found anything other than normal poop inside colons. And these are the colons of dead people – by definition the least healthy people on earth – who ought to have *more* crazy stuff up there than the average healthy person.
I wonder if he ever autopsied the colon of someone who had just eaten some huitlacoche.
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Looking for a little summertime weight-loss, ladies? The new diet drug Alli would love to help. It apparently works by giving you uncontrollable diarrhea; so much so that the makers recommend carrying a spare change of dark-colored clothing around wherever you go.
Not to worry, though, becuase now there’s Clincal Strength Secret deodorant to help you avoid the inevitable stink.
Eeeuw.
Comments:
Maybe people can get a tapeworm to take care of that little side effect….
Posted by Karan [URL] on 06/27/07
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