I’m rather looking forward to The Rapture, but I have to apologize for my countdown clock being off by 7 hours. It’s set to Eastern Daylight Time, which, as everybody knows, is the ONLY timezone that really counts, but TEOTWAWKI is synced to Israel Daylight Time, arriving at the stroke of midnight in Jerusalem. I’m sure that the nutbag who figured this all out paid very close attention to timezones, since Jesus probably has one of those awesome watches with three different timezone settings and a stopwatch and everything.
There are several decent upsides to The Rapture, the most important one being all the parking. It’s going to take some time to clear out all the cars “left behind” in parking lots, garages, and city streets, but since all the tow-truck operators are going to still be with us (evil bastards that they are), eventually there will be plenty of spaces for everyone.
Which leads right in to the second advantage: less crowding at the mall. Especially at Christmastime, since, hey, no more Christmas! For years I have lived through a self-imposed Mall Exile every year from November through January, but I can hardly wait to drive right up to a primo spot in front of the entrance, park without worrying about the asshole SUV parked halfway into my spot, and saunter into the mall for a leisurely stroll without frenzied gift shoppers, bell ringers, and repetitive Christmas music. And EXTRA BONUS: no Christmas decorations going up in the middle of August! For those of us remaining who just absolutely HAVE to have a holiday season in December, there’s still Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, but luckily shopping malls usually only have one or two decorations for each of those, and it will take time for people to come up with Kwanzaa carols and Hanukkah holiday albums.
There will be a lot fewer professional athletes kneeling for prayer in the end zone, crossing themselves at home plate, or crediting Jesus with their come-from-behind win at the buzzer, so sporting events will be a lot more palatable to watch. Ditto for all those reality shows with contestants begging God to let them win the million dollars. By the same token, now everybody on those reality shows will be a carbon copy of Boston Rob.
Sadly, the world will still have just as many politicians as it does today, including the “religious” ones. I don’t expect we’ll lose any television ministers, either, although they’ll all have to do something different for a living, like becoming contestants on those reality shows. And even though there are probably some Catholics getting sucked up by the Heavenly Hoover come 5:00 p.m. on Friday, you KNOW the Pope and his merry band of kiddie-diddling priests aren’t going anywhere.
I do actually feel bad for the guy who spent $140,000 of his own money buying ad space to tell everybody about the end of the world, because it’s just my hunch that he’s going to be here on the 22nd, like the rest of us shameful sinners.
