1. “Chico and the Man” — Hey, SCREW The Man! Always trying to stick it to a brother. Don’t play all sentimental and shit with me, Mister Man. Behind that dirty fedora and mustache lurks the heart of a soulless penny-pinching spirit-crushing monster! If Freddy hadn’t died he totally would have exposed you, you capitalist pig!
2. Guy Smiley — You know why you didn’t see him in the new Muppet Movie? He’s too busy running for the Republican presidential nomination, that’s why. Except he’s not the guy you think he is. He’s actually Michele Bachmann! Oh yeah! Totally. Just look at those crazy eyes of hers and tell me they aren’t the same dead half-ping-pong-ball eyes of a Muppet. Plus the stuff that comes out of her mouth, it HAS to be the rantings of an escaped denizen of Sesame Street. You might think maybe she was really Oscar the Grouch or Grover, but I am here to tell you if you scratch beneath her caked-on makeup, it’s all Guy Smiley underneath.
3. Inkjet printers — In the future, when all of humanity is reduced to a small band of cave-dwellers who spend their days sifting through the ruins of our technological utopia, the wisest of them will look at these devices and wonder how it was that we were able to suck the precious juices from their black plastic pits. And why did we paint so many pictures of kitties, bar graphs, and three-bullet-point lists in supplication to the great gods? Was it in exchange for the sweet, sweet nectar of those pods? They will scratch their heads in confusion, sacrifice a virgin or two just to be sure, and keep digging.
4. The Massachusetts Turnpike — Oh so dreamlike, covered with frosting-like snow all the way from Stockbridge to Boston. It’s ten thousand miles long, you know. Oh, yes, it is. Well, that’s about how many hours it takes to get from the Weston tolls to Natick on a Wednesday morning, so it might as well be ten thousand miles. Do you suppose James Taylor was strung out on horse when he wrote that song? It would explain a couple of things.
5. Big Melons — nice and heavy, oh yeah.
6. Occupy Wall Street — channeling the spirit of the late Freddy Prinze as they save every last one of us from the unbridled gluttinous, rapacious, criminal machinations of Jack Albertson. Chico, don’t be discouraged. The Man, he ain’t so hard to understand. ¡Viva La Revolución!
7. Pimento loaf — I don’t even know where to begin with this shit. Green olives and pimentos pressed into the offal they call “lunch meat”. Gaaaah! It had to have been designed by a filthy capitalist pig like Jack Albertson. He must have been sitting at his giant mahogany desk, lighting his cigar with thousand-dollar bills, thinking to himself “What sort of shit can I cram down the throats of those lousy proles? Maybe tapioca pudding with dirty band-aids and cat turds? Naaah, too good for ‘em!” But at least it doesn’t compare to the horror that is Macaroni and Cheese Loaf.
8. Tamerlane — so if all these Central Asian horsemen were such bad-asses, how come civilization doesn’t speak Mongol and live in yurts? Huh? Yeah, I thought so. Pussy. More like Tamerlame, amirite?
9. Toejam — be glad Jack Albertson thought of pimento loaf first. Be very glad.
10. The White-taled Deer — Yeah, he looks all noble and stuff, but ask him how many bottles of Smirnoff he goes through a week. Total lush. All the other woodland creatures tried to stage an intervention, and he spent about four days in rehab, until the counselors found him in a janitor’s closet drinking Windex with a strung-out woodchuck named Phil.
