Tag Top Ten

Top Ten Things About The New Apple Tablet

By Brian Filed in Amuse, Top Ten Tagged with Apple tablet, Top Ten January 26th, 2010 @ 11:18 am

1. If you take two, they provide instant relief!
2. Rumor mill says it will hold up to TWENTY Commandments!
3. Available in easy-to-swallow chocolate coating
4. Will finally make that annoying “I’m a PC” guy shut the fuck up
5. You will absolutely look like a dork holding this up to your ear to make a call
6. Next time someone calls you out for giving them the finger, you can say “I was just using gesture commands”
7. At least you can’t spill coffee on the keyboard
8. That Dilbert strip about the “Etch-A-Sketch” is one step closer to reality
9. Can also be used as a makeshift cafeteria tray
10. 100% effective as birth control, because if you buy one you’re never gonna get laid again.

Top Ten Things About Badgers

By Brian Filed in Amuse, Top Ten Tagged with badgers, Top Ten January 26th, 2010 @ 11:11 am

1. They have those awesome retractable metal claws…oh, wait, that’s Wolverine.
2. All badgers are born knowing how to do quadratic equations, but lose this skill within days after birth.
3. They have a delicious vanilla creme filling.
4. In 1876, a single badger held off an entire division of Austrian hussars for three days. Later, Archduke Ferdinand himself presented the badger with a commission as field marshal and a big purple sash.
5. Badgers are deathly afraid of citrus fruit, particularly pomelos.
6. Aaron Copland wanted to write an entire symphony about badgers, but Leonard Bernstein convinced him not to do it. He regretted the decision for the rest of his life and often muttered “Fuck you, Lenny, badgers kick ass” as he sank into dementia.
7. You can make a musical instrument out of a badger carcass by sticking a piece of bamboo in its ass and blowing air in its nose. Aaron Copland knew about this. Draw your own conclusions.
8. The University of Wisconsin chose the badger as its mascot only after rejecting the star-nosed mole and the pollock.
9. No one has ever seen a badger wearing suspenders.
10. They are frickin’ awesome!

Top Ten Things About Scott Brown

By Brian Filed in Amuse, Top Ten Tagged with Scott Brown, Top Ten January 26th, 2010 @ 11:03 am

1. Single-handedly turned GOP from a party of lunatics and morons into a party of lunatics and morons plus a guy with a pickup truck.
2. As the newest member of the Senate, he is required by tradition to buy pizza for everyone on his first day in the chamber.
3. His daughters probably aren’t hookers, but his family is definitely a bunch of attention whores.
4. Saved Massachusetts the horror of having a diligent, competent, boring woman in national office.
5. His pickup truck has a sticker of Calvin peeing on Ted Kennedy’s grave
6. John McCain giggles every time he hears Brown say “Obamer”
7. Voted “Republican senator least likely to get caught picking up rough-trade homos at truck stop” by his peers
8. With the wave of his hand and the wink of an eye can spread rainbows all across America
9. His agent is already in negotiations with Sarah Palin for a porn video
10. Can’t wait to get to Washington to screw over all the people who voted for him.